Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What being a mom has taught me

       Before I became a mommy I thought I knew everything there was to know in life. But after being a mom for almost 11 years I now know I was wrong here are just a few things I motherhood has taught me so far.

-Cute tops are not made for mothers
-Formula does not come out of whites no matter how much oxi clean or biz you use.
-Baby carrots make good dye for just about anything.
-If your child is constipated all you need to do it put a nice new outfit on him.
-No matter how many times you tell the dog to change the baby he wont.
-Pennies do not come out of seat belt buckles.
-If you use a good conditioner you can go for days without washing your hair.
-If you breastfeed make sure you wear two shirts to bed.
-After a doing it for a few years you can live off of only 4 hours of sleep.
-As soon as it is nap time the phone will ring, so you better unplug it.
-A toddler bed maybe small but a 5ft 2in woman can sleep on it nicely.
-4 children, 2 adults, 1 dog and the occasional cat can all sleep on a California king along with various stuffed animals
-Broccoli smells like dead mice when left in a lunch box for a week.
-You can program your body to hold it for at least 12 hours, if you really have to go and you are feeding a baby you can hold him and sit on a potty real quick.
-The devil is the one who put candy by the cash registers every-freaking-where!
-Whoever started the phrase sleeping like a baby obviously never had one!
-"Because" is not an acceptable answer for a 3 year old.
-French fries and milk don't mix well if a child was sick the day before.
-Things always vanish the day you need them.
-Stickers do not come off of car windows.
-Girls are messier than boys.
-Pajamas don't have to match.
-Hoodies are a wardrobe staple.
-Cartoons after 1990 will always suck.
-Bread's best buy date is just a suggestion.
-White shirts are a wear only once item for moms and kids.
-A 2 year old can make a leak proof sippy cup leak.
-That same 2 year old can make a new car look old in less than 3 months.
-Strollers are a big waste of money.
-No matter how good of a cook you are a child is always going to want to eat mac&cheese, PB& J or salad. If you feed him that for dinner the parenting nazi is not going to come get you. 
-Cats hate baths, strollers and trampolines.
-After a cell phone survives the bottom of the river, a 2 year old can still manage to break it.
-Vaseline does not come out of hair no matter what dish liquid you use.
-Monsters do exist; they steal socks, shoes and sippy cup tops.
-Purses are over rated, you can hold everything you need in a diaper bag.
-It is possible to feed a baby/return calls/eat dinner and read the mail all at the same time.
-Play-Doh does not come out of the carpet.
-Coke and a sponge can clean crayons, snot and dried milk off of windows.

All this exciting stuff and I still have 17 more years to go!

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