Giveaways and Fbook rant

          This week has just sucked. There are so many reasons why I can't even start to list them. One reason is that stupid social network. I started a fan page for my vinyl to post a few pictures and draw fans in. Well the low number of fans has made me insane! I have had a personal lamebook for years mostly to keep up with friends from school and family because I moved so far away. Once I had so many "friends" that I unfriended most of them because I didn't care to talk to them anyway. I never cared about numbers here or there. But I have noticed myself so sucked in to fan numbers I have even broken down over it. Maybe its because of the money I am losing in two giveaways that have only drawn in 2 people, I was so stupid to even put my stuff in them. Another thing that has beyond pissed me off is fam on facebook. I am not close with anyone in my fam but my dad and aunt. Therefore I don't do family at all. I recently deleted anyone who had ever made a stupid comment or sent me a pm about my status. Like really who takes that shit serious? I had an uncle bitch at my grandmother over a comment my aunt sent to me about the beach this summer and he doesn't even have a facebook! My husbands mother also found facebook this week. Lets just say I will not even accept my own mothers request and H said he is deleting his own fb. Its all a stupid mess over such a dumb page. I am thinking about just deleting both pages. I am too stressed for any of this mess. Thanks for reading my rant. I swear I am much sunnier over at GossipGalGifts. 

Once again PTLsucks!

                    I have posted this once before but some how in the middle of screwing up my blog I lost it. I usually would not re-post a topic but I had a good bit of feed back about it and it is a very close topic to me. Since the original posting on this topic I have talked to many more mothers that have stories very close to mine. Some women did not even think anything about these symptoms due to their Dr telling them it was just PPD or they are getting older. Here is my story:
                       
                  In spring of 2009 I was perfectly healthy at 5'2" & around 150lbs not tiny but active. I had also been a stay at home mom for around 4 years and had a 2 year old so I wasn't out of the house as much as others but I liked to I walk and run sometimes twice a day. From March to September you could find me swimming, tanning and at the park full of energy. I also never had any blood pressure or blood sugar problems. With my first pregnancy I had slight high blood pressure but it was just in the last few weeks. With the next two children I had no problems at all. My third child was born at 40 weeks and 4 days weighing 8lbs and 2oz.
                      In August of 09 I found out I was expecting, I was only worried  about the economy and the fact we have never been very secure with money. But I wasn't worried about the health of the baby due to my last two pregnancies being great. But after 20 weeks I started to have high blood pressure and failed my gestational diabetes test. I managed my blood sugar but the bp didn't really go down. With the stress of baby's health and only one parent working we decided that four is enough. I did some research and knew I wasn't big on taking pills and my insurance wouldn't cover much but it would cover a tubal ligation. I researched Tubal Ligation on Google. I didn't get many bad facts. It was mostly MD sites talking about the process.


I asked my Dr about all of my worries like being able to breastfeed and having problems with my cycle, he assured me it was fine and he does 5 or more a day. So I figured what the heck. I wanted to be able to be with my husband without any worries. I also hate rubbers. I just feel like it is a one night stand or something. I had two friends of mine have their tubes done and they seemed okay. I asked one girl via facebook and she just said she had some cycle problems in the first few months but nothing else. So I went in a few days before I was 37 weeks to have a c-section because my blood pressure was a bit high. The Dr asked me right before if I still wanted to do it and I said yes. ( I am pretty sure you could have asked me if I wanted to name the kid Donald Duck at that time and I would have said yes.) So I went in for the c-section the baby came out healthy but he was a tiny 5lbs 7oz. Then the Dr told H to leave with the baby and they cut and clipped my tubes.
               
                   I had to go to a recovery room for a little longer than most due to the TL but I made sure the nurses brought me the baby so I could bfeed him. The baby latched but I could not sit up. They took him back and a little later I went to my room. I was given the baby and was all ready to feed him but I became emotional and couldn't feel my legs. They said maybe the spinal block hasn't worn off. I ended up falling asleep and woke up a few hours later and could not move. I took a shower and I seemed to feel a little better. After two days I could sit in a chair but not the bed I was trying to bf and the nurse said he was dropping too much weight and they gave him formula.. I was pissed but in too much pain to care. I couldn't figure out why bc I had already had 2 c-sections with no problems I had been up dressed and walking with others within 24hours. The next day the Dr came in around 6am and told me not carry a diaper bag or purse on my sides but I was looking good. I was lost and still mad about the bfing. A Lactation nurse finally came in as I was getting ready to leave the hospital. She put me on a pump and I pumped some but not like I should be by day 3. I went home with a pump. But wasn't having any luck. I called the Dr and he wouldn't give me meds to increase my breast milk bc they cause depression. Which was another random problem I started to have. I cried all day and night. They even made me leave the hospital with meds but I wouldn't take them. They made me feel lifeless. I had no in between..

                    At my 9wk check up I didn't even see the Dr just a nurse. She said everything looked fine. Yet I was standing right in front of her crying. After 3 months I was still trying to pump but I was having to mix it with formula. I ended up going to a wic office to try a different pump and talk to someone. She said that she has seen many mothers who could not bf at all after TL. So it wasn't just me. I was still only getting 2oz every 2/3 hours and pumping was killing me I had to take care of the other kids and wanted some sleep. I went out of town and forgot a part to my pump. Then it was over. By the time I made it home nothing was happening. I hated it and how stressed I was over it. I also still had a cycle, it was very painful I had never had cramps or anything like it. I figured after I stopped bfing I would feel better emotionally but I didn't I had cramps that lasted a week before and during af. I would find myself eating and taking everything to control the cramps and af. Nothing was working. I literally could not sit up for weeks at a time. My hair was still falling out much more than it ever had. I also never lost a pound. I was still the same weight as I was at 37wks. I felt  bad that I had to take those rx pills just to leave the house. I felt so dis-attached from the baby. I hated my husband and could careless about my house, paying bills or anything. I hated it!

                     Then I started researching tubal reversals and found this site about PTLS (Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome).As I went down the list it all sounded too familiar it wasn't the only site after I searched for PTLS I also found tons of message boards with women asking the same questions I had. I related to over 40 symptoms on that list. Here are just a few I  have every day at 10months pp; hair loss, gums bleeding, headache, dizziness, chills, hot flashes, random rapid heart rate, fatigue even after a full nights sleep, memory loss and constant breast tenderness. I have also personally had my fillings fall out that I had gotten less than a year before. I have constant pain in my bones, RLS, pain in my ears; which I only ever had with pregnancy and problems with my blood sugar, I have sudden burst of sadness or rage which is really scary. I also had people say those are just symptoms of pms or stress. But what happened to me? I didn't even know who I was anymore. I know of one mother who gained over 200lbs after hers, one mother who had to see several Drs because she felt dis-attached from her family and didn't want to harm them, another mother who has also gained several pounds and is constantly uneasy about various issues and she finds herself waking up and worrying about things so much that it has caused problems with her family. Some have spoken to Drs some have insurance that will not allow you to see a OB after the procedure. I really wish I would have not done it I am currently not on medication but seeing and speaking to various people. Yet if I ever get the money I will have a reversal.  
*This is all just my opinion and story*

*Sorry this was so long I could probably write a book*

                                    

I don't wanna grow up...

                      Tomorrow is my husbands birthday which means 6 months from today will be mine. I honestly dread birthdays, especially my own. Its not so much the getting older part but its the gifts, stress, sadness and drama that comes with birthdays. I always try to make a big deal with the kids and my husbands birthday, we usually just stay at home but I always decorate and cook the persons favorite dinner and a cake. But it never fails to stress me out to the max. I don't care if I start planning 6 months ahead of time. By the end of it all I am sad because I end up forgetting about things like cards or taking pictures on the child's actual birthday. I also hate buying and receiving gifts. I try to keep a set number of items for each child , plus my older two have birthdays about two months before Christmas. No matter how hard I try I end up buying more crap that they do not need. 

          Maybe I should just grow up and remember that the gifts and decorations are not important but the time spent with them is what matters. Which sounds like a good idea, but the thought of that pisses me off again. Because for the past 4 years I have not seen my family on any of my kids birthdays. Its always just our kids H and maybe one friend of my oldest daughter. (I really don't know anyone that lives near me.) I know I am the one who moved away but it is still sounds unfair especially to the kids that were born after we moved. When my oldest two kids were younger we always had big parties and everyone came. For a few years we still went down to see my family but now that we have 4 kids it just doesn't happen anymore. I can't stay at any one's house due to room and a hotel is more money down the drain. I just really hate all of it, maybe I am just generally bitching about nothing.

                     

      

Part 2 The A word

   

 *This is Part 2 scroll down for mindless tv and part #1*

   The next day was a Saturday and seeing how I was only 15 and didn't have a car. I wasn't going anywhere. I stayed in my room most of the day, which wasn't really my room because I was at my moms apartment. She came to me and asked If I wanted to go eat and I said "Whatever". So we ran to the local sit-down joint and ate without saying anything to each other but "Are you ready?" In the car we talk about it a little bit and she pushed adoption on me and I brought up the fact of how my sister contacted her by a letter when she was 16 and I didn't want that to happen to me and my child. I also didn't want to get married and not be able to have children just remember the one I gave away. I told her it wasn't just a puppy I got for my birthday and didn't like anymore. It was a person. I don't think she ever said the other A word I am pretty sure I was so far along that it wasn't and option. So I pretty much stated what I was going to do and she never spoke much more about it.

            By now my whole family knew, I had only told three girlfriends and my best guy friend. I didn't care for the whole world to know. That summer I finished summer school and got prepared for a new high school. Every summer for my birthday my aunt took me shopping for school clothes. It is usually pretty fun but when you are used to being in the latest trends and starting a new year it isn't fun searching for maternity pants. When I put them on you could definitely tell I was expecting. For my birthday my cousin always took me, my aunt and mom out for dinner. I went to my aunts waiting on her to cuss me for all I was worth but she didn't.. She gave me a laundry basket full of baby lotions,soaps,and a copy of What To Expect When you are Expecting.. I was confused. But I am pretty sure they had all reached the point where if they couldn't avoid it they should embrace it. We went to dinner and had cake, I still have the photo of me in my ugly maternity shirt and bloated face.

                           A few weeks later was the start of school. I was in a new place, I knew most of the people there, the father of the child I was carrying also went to that school. I guess I should also add we were in different groups. I went to a white collar school and he had just moved from the wrong side of the tracks. Any one who knew me was shocked we were together and didn't know the rest. It also stirred up a lot of  arguments even though I was expecting his child. He wasn't the best person to be around and I saw that when went to school together. But that's a whole different story. At school I went on as always but by this time I was 8 months pregnant. I took art that was a fun class except I had to sit on a really high stool. That was a little uncomfortable. I never told my teachers I was pregnant. I didn't want to be treated differently. One afternoon I was on the way to a class that was on the third floor in the third building. (That place was huge) The teacher for that class was pretty rude and I was late. She chewed me out pretty good I was almost in tears. Then a girl I had known for years yelled "She's Pregnant!" I knew that she was only trying to stand up for me but I felt like she put me on Jerry Springer. We were still in the hallway but that happened to be the only class that the father was in. So he jumped up and may have said something uncalled for I am not sure I was too upset by the call-out to remember. So I continued to class and went to school as normal. I was doing pretty great that year and I never did great in school. Then my doctor appointments got closer together and my blood presser started to go up. I looked like the Michelin man. I started missing school the doctor put me on bed rest. Then my last appointment he said If I didn't have the baby by Monday (my due date) to come in at midnight. He also said not to eat anything after 5pm that day. I am not sure if I was ready for this but it was time. At home I didn't know what to pack I haven't even broken a bone much less stayed in a hospital over night. I remember I packed a stuffed bear my dad had bought me when I was 7. I said it was for good luck....

*Part 3 will post in the morning*